Online dating

Online dating brings happy endings
to some people who turn to Web

April 20, 2004

DES MOINES, Iowa -- In the digital age, there is virtually nothing that cannot be found on the Internet, including the tantalizing thing that has eluded human beings throughout history: love. Online dating sites are revolutionizing the way people meet each other for potentially amorous relationships.

"When John and I first met face-to-face, we'd 'known' each other for four months, but we didn't really know -- despite exchange pictures -- what the other person looked like, sounded like, smelled like," said Des Moines resident Barbara Simpson, whose online dating experience that began in November 1996 led to marriage in October 1998. "That sounds funny, but all of the senses are engaged when it comes to attraction, and as a friend once put it, when you meet someone in person for the first time, 'Sometimes the magic just doesn't translate'."

Simpson said she didn't have any set expectations of what results her venture onto dating Web sites might bring. "I wasn't looking for anything, really, and it never occurred to me that I'd want to -- or be brave enough -- to meet someone in person," she said. "I just thought it might be fun to correspond with someone."

Match.com, the world's biggest dating Web site, has more than 974,000 paying subscribers and 12 million users, all looking for various kinds of relationships. Like many aspects of society that have been affected by the so-called "death of distance," dating no longer requires that people live geographically near each other to form a relationship.

"Match.com is taking love to the four corners of the earth," said Match.com President Tim Sullivan in a March 2 press release. "We have members in 246 countries and territories worldwide, across six continents. More and more people are finding Match.com the most convenient and secure way to find their perfect partner, wherever they are in the world."

This seeming irrelevance of geography has allowed people to develop relationships with those far away, but distance does pose practical problems as relationships move beyond the courtship stage of e-mailing and talking on the phone, as Simpson discovered. Shet moved from Virginia across the country to Iowa to be near her sweetheart.

"Unless both partners are moving, one of them will always be making the greater number of sacrifices," Simpson said. "I thought I knew what it would be like, but I had no idea, really."

"And it just struck me as so unfair, even though I had volunteered to be the one to move," she added. "I had given up my friends, family, a job I'd had for six and a half years in an office where I'd worked for 11 years, a community theater I'd helped get started, my reputation both socially and at work."

However, Simpson said, "John is, without a doubt, the best thing that has ever happened to me. He's funny, kind, sensitive, supportive, generous, smart, loving -- everything a woman could want in a partner."

Although Simpson's story ended happily, initial dates are the biggest sources of worry for many users of online dating services.

Jane Ganahal of the San Francisco Chronicle recently solicited online dating horror stories from her readers, which she included in a piece in the Chronicle April 11.

One reader recounted a negative experience she had with a man she met online: "'He did not live in the area, he was married (but claimed he was divorced) and -- worst of all -- he was an online lothario who gave the same rap to every woman he met. I even spoke to one of his other victims on the phone and exchanged e-mails with others whom he gave the same line to.'"

Simpson said some of the men she encountered online immediately showed they were less than trustworthy. "Many just wanted to exchange 'signs' and go right to questions about cyber- and actual sex," she said. "Those I didn't respond to."

Similarly, it is often hard to know if a person is telling the truth in his or her profile and e-mails. Identity sites such as www.people-data.com and www.rapsheets.com are useful for people who are getting ready to take their online friendships beyond the digital realm and into real life.

Simpson had some advice for people thinking about using dating Web sites to meet potential dates: "Don't give out personal information --full name, address, phone number -- meet in a public place, make sure that others know your schedule, and plan to check-in with friends at a specified time when meeting someone in person."

Simpson also said she would caution people to not get too emotionally involved with a person before meeting him or her face-to-face.

"Keep in mind that until you've met in person, you don't have a relationship -- no matter how intense the feelings may be. Meeting online can be a great way to get to know someone from, as they say, 'the inside out,' but we humans tend to fill in the blanks," Simpson said.

For lonely people hoping to have an online dating experience ending as happily as Simpson's did, many resources are dedicated to helping them build an attractive profile.

Evan Marc Katz, author of "I Can't Believe I'm Buying This Book: A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating," sells what he calls "profile makeovers" for $49-$149. "Just like a good resume grabs an employerÕs attention, an interesting profile makes you more desirable to a potential match," according to Katz's Web site, www.e-cyrano.com.

For the 49 percent of Match.com users who, according to a poll by the company, choose to "look online instead of wasting my time at the bars," love may be found in the digital air. But as Simpson said, "If you're contemplating moving to be with someone else, you better be darn sure they're worth it, and that, when you grieve for what you left behind, they're going to be willing to hold you and say, 'What can I do to make it better?'"